Weird Week in Footy: Meat missiles, cake takes, and balls on the bonnet

Warning: Story contains graphic image

Every Tuesday, BetaSoccer highlights the most outlandish moments from the wacky, sometimes daft, and perennially entertaining world of football. Here’s what made us smile – or cringe – on the pitch this past week.

Wank yanked, wank returned

Swiss side Young Boys are a frequent target of sophomoric humor, as seen in a previous Weird Week when Feyenoord fans unfurled a banner to display manager Dick Advocaat’s dislikes.

Bit undeserved that, though there are other cases when it’s fair to wonder if Young Boys fancy a laugh at their own expense. Last week, the club reverted to the historic neighborhood name for its Bern-based stadium: Wankdorf.

Stephen Pond – EMPICS / PA Images / Getty

Blessed with tradition like the 1954 “Miracle in Bern” World Cup final, headlines such as “Young Boys Wankdorf erection relief” are never far behind. With the re-rebranding, the Wankdorf remains on a pedestal alongside Christian Eriksen’s old stomping grounds, Middlefart Stadium, Lewes FC’s Dripping Pan, and the former Hunky Dorys Park as the best stadium names in football.

All eyes on bogey-man Bale

Credit to Real Madrid star Gareth Bale for fully embracing heel status amid the “Wales, Golf, Madrid” furor that has painted the ponytailed Welshman as persona non grata among Los Blancos supporters.

It’s been a frequent topic with the Weird Week, and as cameras focused on the fleet-footed winger in training recently, he took a few practice swings accompanied by a mischievous grin. Why did Bale need new football socks? Because he found a hole-in-one. Please like, comment, and subscribe.

Bits on the bonnet delays travels on Merseyside

Merseysiders on their way to Anfield for Marco Silva’s swan song were delayed when, as Jake Polden of the Mirror eloquently describes, “a naked man put his testicles on a car bonnet in front of shocked drivers.”

Simon Stacpoole/Offside / Offside / Getty

Some have junk in the trunk, while others simply leave theirs on it. In the end, the local man’s cock-up merited police attention, and Liverpool subsequently bollocked their neighbors 5-2 in Silva’s final match in charge of the Toffees.

Rock, paper, scissor kick

Vasco da Gama trio Freddy Guarin, Felipe Bastos, and Yago Pikachu opted for a game of rock, paper, scissors to determine who took a free-kick during Sunday’s Brasileirao meeting with Chapecoense. Even Chapecoense’s Marcio Araujo fancied his chances.

Former Porto and Inter midfielder Guarin went rock and subsequently fired an attempt into the Chapecoense wall. Shout-out to Pikachu for the unique “Pokemon” moniker that’s inspired some riveting goal calls. There’s also a guy on Chapecoense named Gum. Chew on that.

Braga enlist ‘Baby Yoda’

Sticking with pint-sized fictional characters, and feigning complete ignorance, but apparently there’s a new “Star Wars” show featuring Baby Yoda. The miniature version of the miniature fella has taken the internet by storm.

Portuguese lot SC Braga got in on the fun by featuring a scene from “The Mandalorian” with the Lilliputian green guy dubbed with a club chant to incite excitement ahead of Saturday’s trip to Aves. May the forca be with you.

Seafaring surrogate goes black tie

Japan does football differently. For evidence of such, look no further than last week’s J-League awards when champions Kawasaki Frontale midfielder Ao Tanaka was selected as the best young player. Ao, if you’re reading this, congrats, my g.

Tanaka was busy on Japan duty at the E-1 (East Asian Football Federation) tournament in South Korea, so Frontale’s dolphin mascot, Fronta-kun, was there to serve a porpoise (yes, we know dolphins are technically porpoises).

Layers to Dyche’s cheeky cake evaluations

Nightclub bouncer cosplayer and Burnley touchline trespasser Sean Dyche was again endearing himself to English media when describing the efforts of burgeoning winger Dwight MacNeil, who “brought cakes in. Poor, poor cakes. So that’s part of his development as well.”

“It’s all about the cakes,” Dyche added, presumably a coded reference to his sole requirement for a winger with the ability to fire a vaguely accurate cross toward one of the Clarets’ countless skyscraping strikers.

Slice of life in the 2nd tier of Spanish football

Ever wonder what life is like in the Segunda Division? Well, Real Oviedo provided a glimpse following a win at Alcorcon: celebrations in a dimly lit hallway and a fella carrying pizzas. It was basically my 12th birthday party, except people came to this one.

Aberdeen on the lookout for meat-missile miscreant

Speaking of pies, SPL side Aberdeen have launched an investigation after Rangers skipper James Tavernier was struck with a pie while taking a throw-in during last Wednesday night’s draw at Pittodrie.

South China Morning Post / South China Morning Post / Getty

“The club is aware and is investigating. To date we haven’t received any complaints,” Aberdeen’s statement read, completely ignoring the certain robust cries of disgraced former Sutton United pie paramour Wayne Shaw. Should have been you, mushy peas.

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